matrimony change
I wouldn’t say I was swept up in romance and chivalry when I met my man. I sort of resisted it. Inside though, I knew it was there and loved to be loved like that. I had had a bad relationship right before I met my now husband. It was one of those can’t-get-away from-you sort of things. We dated steady for 6 months and were breaking up for 6 months. I can’t believe I still think of it. It was so very hard to get over, one of the hardest things I have ever done, maybe that is why. I was never enough for him. Nothing I did was interesting enough, talented enough, or golf club enough. (he was a big golfer, I was too silly to fit into that crowd) I actually remember feeling bad that I had no “hobbies”. He even sat me down once and told me the reason that we weren’t meant to be together was because I didn’t have said hobbies. He made me feel inferior which is so ironic because its been nearly 9 years since we split and he is STILL unemployed. I think he was threatened in some way. When I didn’t know how to do something, I figured it out. I was connected to people, he was socially awkward, he made people uncomfortable, he looked like Will Farrell.
This is why I finally allowed myself to love Helio. I resisted for a long time, maybe 3 months until I would finally call him my boyfriend although we were spending every day together, him in his Spanish language, me in English. With Helio, I didn’t have to be anything. I didn’t even have to be interesting. My mother is friends with the old boyfriend’s family, some of them were at our wedding. I tried to make a speech; I don’t think anyone was listening. I remember saying to Helio, thank you for loving me not because of what I can do or what I can offer, but because I am worth loving just because I am. I felt loved and not because I did anything right, just because I was around.
Honestly, I feel things changed on the honeymoon. He turned all things fun into a money counting thing. -Such things as, we can’t eat there or we can’t go on that train because of money. The weird thing is, it always seems he is counting my money. I have always made more than him, not by much but by some. It is good to have someone who is concerned about money but I often times repeat myself over and over saying, “my life is now, I refuse to wait to live it”.
Now I don’t want to be loved just because I am around. I was satisfied with that in my twenties. Now, I want to know why we are together, there should be a reason. Not just because I was the wild one in the group and I would make a good wife. He says he knew from the moment of seeing me that he wanted to marry me. Things just aren’t that clear to me. It took me a while. Heck, I’m still not sure and it will be 5 years of marital bliss this September. I want a partner, a lover, someone who talks to me. I want complexity, inside intimate jokes, and thoughtful pats on the back. I was satisfied at one time with finding stability, simplicity, and a thoroughly devoted man. Is it ok to have needs that evolve to something more and expect your man to keep up? Is that fair?
